I was thinking how that  saying “taking things one step at a time” is even more important to me now.   I have found that anytime I feel rushed in anything I am involved in , whether it be my business or personal life,  I revolt in some way. It may be silent and it may smolder for a while , but it eventually reveals itself.

I have learned and I am continuing to  learn to be more forthcoming and less accommodating in this area, because it is such a core part of relationship building and honesty.  In my personal life, I have been in a couple of long term significant relationships, so it is not reasonable to note that I will not jump into another one quite so easily.  There is something about time and the connecting of moments and experiences that eventually develop into a mature and loving relationship.

I have found that it truly takes my heart time to progress from the euphoria for early attraction and romantic love  to the fuller and passionate love that lasts longer.  You can’t put a ring on it until the heart is filled.

Perhaps it is life’s experiences that has be the tutor to my heart in all this or simply my personality.   It is more likely a combination of both.   I just know that I am at a better place internally than I ever have been before.  I also know that I can be patient for a love to to be found and to grow to where it needs to be where a life long relationship is possible.

I also know that with the right person love happens and grows. Then there is commitment  and to me, the kind of happiness I know I want.

In the meanwhile, I am enjoying the journey.

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As we celebrate the Chinese New Year today – The Year of the Dragon, I came across a site where it explained what the year meant for others born on other animal sign years.  For me, who was born in a year of the Rat, it is supposed to be a year of romance and profit.  Well, that wouldn’t be bad.

I am a little skeptical about the romance part.  I am somewhat battle worn from the past few years.  Hey, but maybe a dragon can help a rat out.  I know there will be some people who would read that last sentence and laugh extra harder. Bitches.

What is nice about having the optimism of the Chinese New Year is the expectation and directional mind set one can put focus on that is supported by something larger in the Universe.  The dragon symbolizes it.

Things don’t come easily for the most part and certainly lofty goals or states of existence of happiness can only be sustained if we are only driven by greater vision.

We should always have days where firecrackers celebrate both the start and end of our days, marking each part of our journey of the year.

So as I enjoy the celebrations in San Francisco, even this rainy day ( especially after the Niner loss to the Giants yesterday), I can only raise my glass and exclaim,

“Gung hay fat choy!”

This Rat is getting some Dragon Luck.

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L-R Joyful Noise Cast Jeremy Jordan, Keke Palmer, Dolly Parton, Queen Latifah

Yes, it is a feel good movie.  Yes, the plot has no real surprise.  However, Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton are magic up on the  big screen.  The return of Parton to film is especially nice since she simply lights everything up with her charm, sense of humor and winning country sounding voice.

The comedic team she and Latifah make is great. I like to see them do other projects together.

The story follows the story of a church choir from a hard economically hit small Georgia town and their quest to win the National Choir competition in Los Angeles.  Their choir director suddenly passes away.  Latifah’s character takes over while the choir director’ widow ( Parton) spars with her throughout the movie over the choir’s direction and other things.  There is young love and other sub plots.

There is also lots of rocked out gospel singing which keeps you moving in your seat.

The movie may not win an Academy award but it is certainly has a lot of heart.  One that would leave you feeling a lot more “joyful” and glad that you spent a few dollars to be entertained by Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah.

2012 started not exactly how I expected. I am still adjusting to its thunderous entrance that I set in motion in my personal life. The best way to describe the way it feels sometimes is like a tumble.  At first, the direction was not clear because my vision was impaired wet with tears.  However, that has stopped and now the tumble has turned into the rumble of a locomotive moving forward.  I just am working to make sure it slows down to a manageable pace.

What happens when the picture you thought you were painting for your life completely changes? You pick up a blank canvas and paint a new one.

As I look back,  I can see where the  cause of the tumble was bound to happen.  Oprah calls them whispers.   These are those thoughts or silent voices you hear over time in your head and your heart that call out to you to make a change or changes in your life.  Sometimes you ignore them, and if you do, they turn into shouts and thunderous screams until you pay attention.

I have had these occurrences happen over my life. Sometimes the change came with the encouragement of whispers and others came after the thunder.  In this most recent incident, they were something inbetween.

Everything might look right and in many ways feel right, but there are elements that are not.  These elements are important enough that if you simply glide over them they will continue to fester and cause much more major damage later because they slowly deteriorate everything else that is good.

I have learned to never ignore the whispers.  I am hoping better to recognize them and to listen to them.

The challenge now is to move wisely forward and to work on myself.   These take time and my heart is not ready yet for anything heavy. I want my sabbatical where I can deep down to quench my thirst to fill my emotional reservoirs so love may be mine to give fully and completely again.

It will be a time when the tumbling will stop.

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Well,   There are not many science fiction movies that I see that I come away feeling that the movie is laughable ( yes, my tolerance level is pretty high when it comes to sci fi) .  However,  The Darkest Hour is pretty dumb.  The premise has been seen before in one way or another when a menace from space attacks our planet and the end of all life is at stake.  This one is  invisible.  Well, almost.

This movie had so much potential. I mean the international setting in Moscow.  The idea of complete isolation against a formidable unseen force in an unfamiliar country had the premise of greatness.  What we were left with was a cartoon movie and a pretty poor one at that too.  A Scooby Doo episode is more entertaining.

What you find yourself doing is rolling your eyes and laughing at places you should not be responding like that in the movie.  You kind of felt if earth were destroyed , who cares?

There were some cool special effects and even one or two startle moments but not enough to carry a sorry script.  I think some of the actors were acting beneath their range.  I really could not tell because the script and plot overwhelmed all of them.

So if you want to get more entertainment from the popcorn you are eating,  see The Dumbest Hour…I mean The Darkest Hour.

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Well,   Can we say, “THANK GAWD IT IS FRIDAY!”  but, moreover,   it is the last f***ing  Friday of 2011!   How awesome is that! ( to quote some of my clean cut Utah bred friends!)   New Year‘s Eve falls on a Saturday so this is going to be one celebration weekend!  That means some of my friends will not even know their own names this weekend.  Some of them may not even know who they wake up to the next day!  You know who you are!

Here in San Francisco, one of the biggest , but maybe not so much anymore, secrets is that the gay bars in the Castro make the strongest drinks in the city for often the cheapest prices.  Most days, happy hours go up to 9 p.m. or even 1o p.m. at nights.   If you are straight and have the balls to hang out with the gays, you really can get your drinks on.  We gays won’t bite , unless you let us, of course.

Also,  Friday festivities already start in the morning here in San Francisco, especially on the last Friday of the year.  There are tons of out of towners roaming the streets trying to get to Chinatown or Bubba Gumps on Fisherman Wharf.   The locals that are still in the city have already set up enough networking events to do pre-New Year warm ups.   Just another excuse to drink.

The homeless guys and gals are wearing Santa hats conjoling you with “Ho! Ho! Ho!”  and   “Bless You!”  for that extra buck to help them get that next bubbly beverage.

MUNI , the underground subway train, is still not running on time.  However, they will run free of charge from 8 p.m. to 6 a.m. on New Year’s Eve  so you won’t need to drive.  You just need to be sober enough to find the MUNI station and make sure you don’t fall unto the tracks.

Tonight and through the weekend there will be dance parties going on at the hottest clubs and even fundraisers at some of them for charities.  Hey ,  if you are drunk already, you would give an extra dollar or two for a jello shot to support PETA!

Most people will have Monday off so that is what is awesome about this Final Friday of the year is that we will have another 3 day weekend!!

So TGIF!!!!!! for the final Friday in 2011! Eat, Drink and be Merry for next Friday we will do it again in 2012!

I know this is supposed to be a time of deep reflection and an evaluation of one’s life this last year and perhaps a resolve of things to be done next year.  I am not feeling it.  Well, I guess I am not feeling it in the traditional sense.

Last year was chaotic in some ways with unexpected turns for me mostly in my personal life.  In my professional and community life, it was a stellar year and that momentum continues.  In my personal life, I have been going through some grounding.  It is like I have been on this trip with Pinocchio and the Lost Boys, (or is that Peter Pan?) since my break up of a couple of years ago.  I have been on some wild adventures and have lost myself in all of it.

Now I have felt the slow return to my former self, a little more wiser but definitely changed.  I am still peeling off the skins of Neverland and planting myself back into the reality of life that I want back with all its wonderful normalcy and routine.

Love has found me.  However, I have done a careful dance with it.  This is to mainly protect my heart. However,  the ice is melting and my heart is falling into the warmth of all of it and I am feeling happiness.  I feel peace.

So Neverland is becoming less and less appealing to me.  It’s pull weakens and like other fairy tale places will soon vanish into books of memories on the heavy shelf to be taken out to be enjoyed for the occasional visit .

So as I look back at 2011, most of everything I am leaving there.  Those experiences are simply there to be cherished for bringing me to where I am now. However, I do not need to carry them with me.

I will make goals for 2012 but they will now include a whole new life of possibilities I never would have imagined, that requires me only to look forward and never to look back.

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My Heart Sings

by: JP Leddy

Days passed swiftly into my life’s memories

Year of changes birthed from the unknown

What was seeded from unhappiness turned to joy

Winter turned into Spring  welcoming Summer sun

While fall leaves flew into Christmas wind

My heart sings as a new year greets me

Blanketed with a beautiful  found love  

Submitted to Thursday’s Poets Rally Week 59

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Jeremy Irvine and Joey from War Horse

It has been a while since I have a watched a film that was so beautiful to watch with every frame on screen,  and with a powerful story to match. That is War Horse, another masterpiece by Steven Spielberg. It was amazing. It was epic.  It was moving.

Joey, the beautiful horse, is the central character.  It does not take long before the audience is completely invested in this beautiful creature.  Whatever beautiful and lovely quality, we as humans, have loved about horses is enlivened in this movie through Joey.

Jeremy Irvine,  as Albert, is perfectly cast as Joey’s Irish caretaker and bosom friend.  We live through the love and undying love that Albert has with Joey.  Albert brings in that undying faith that no matter what , he and Joey will be reunited despite the separation of war and the numerous obstacles.

We live through each’s journey apart , always wondering and hoping for the reunion that we knew would surely happen.  It does and with such cinematic pitch, that tears come to everyone sitting in that theater.

We learn that love and loyalty and friendship can overcome all , even in the darkest hour.

Peter Mullan and Emily Watson bring in great performances playing Albert’s parents.

The film is rich in themes and emotional impact fit for the whole family.  Although, some of the war scenes are too intense for really young children.

This movie is going to be a classic.

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I will have special people around me this Christmas, so it will not be a sad time.  However,  I will not be spending any time with family.  Most of it is due to economics.  Sadly, the recession takes its toll on travel opportunities when relatives live as far off as Guam.

Thankfully, modern communications has made it possible to keep in contact and be almost face to face on a live connection.  Yet, there is a melancholy of sorts in my heart.  The true meaning of this season to me as always had at its core , my family.  It has been filled with the presence of my children, my mother and my siblings and other extended family.  There is a wistfulness of heart and soul as the  season reaches a head this weekend.

I am not sure if it really homesickness I am feeling but it more family yearning.  I feel love from others this holiday and my time has been filled with great events and some wonderful people, like I mentioned previously. However, my heart draws me to family where warmth and safety exists for my soul. There is refuge with them.

I find tears welling up when I hear familiar Christmas tunes and also as I see the festive decorations light up windows and neighborhoods. They trigger memories of my family.

I am especially mindful of my children.  It is hard to even type my feelings without them without pausing because the fullness of my heart for all four of them simply flows heavily into my fingers. I am overcome with love for my babies who are all grown now but forever remain my little ones.

I know that love knows no distance, but the heart feels it.

Christmas without family is not the same. However, it still can be one of joy, knowing that family is still there and that the spirit of Christmas can extend to every day of the year.

Merry Christmas, family.   I miss and love you.

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