Third Grade at Santa Barbara Elementary School on the little island of Guam brings back certain memories that are etched into my psyche and will forever be played like favorite re-runs on the TV Land Channel.

This catholic school was run by the Sisters of Mercy, which in some ways was an oxymoron, because I don’t remember some of them being that merciful.  This was an era where the ruler whacked more knuckles and reddened more butts then ever was used to measure out any geometry math problems.  During third grade, it was like a weekly ritual punishment tool.

Yes, we were a noisy bunch.  We did try our teacher’s patience, Sister Gertrude.  I am sure she would have preferred to be praying the rosary to the Virgin Mary than handling a bunch of stinky, noisy kids.

Santa Barbara School, Guam

I mean  she had to deal with part of the year meeting in temporary makeshift classrooms because a typhoon had blown the roof of our classroom.  She screamed so much that I was surprised she never lost her voice.

She was determined as ever to  never to let us get the best of her.

When she was mad, she made that face.  It was the kind of face that would challenge the scariest villain in movie history. It made us cower. I believe that even the devil would have cowered at a angered Sister Gertrude face.

There was one day when she really crossed the line.

One day when the class was particularly noisy,  she decided to keep us in after the last bell rang to end the school day.  We were kept in long enough that the buses left.   Most of  us lived close by. I actually went to my grandparents home a block away until my parents were through with work.

However, several of the kids lived in a town about 7 miles north and took the bus.  Instead of calling their parents, she told them to walk home.  So a bunch of third graders started walking home along the busiest road on Guam where there were not even sidewalks.

I am not sure what she was thinking of, she must have been that mad.

Anyways, my best friend’s mother saw that her son had not gotten of the bus and was worried so she got in her car and took off towards the school.  She finally saw the young students walking on the road.

She took her son. I think she helped out the other kids out too.  She ended back at the school.  This mom was livid.

She confronted Sister Gertrude.  She told the nun to take off her habit and to put her dukes up.  The mother said how irresponsible to put in danger the lives of these children all because of some disciplinary issue in school. They never came to blows.  However, it did put not only Sister Gertrude in check but the whole system in check.

It also showed me that nuns were not all powerful.  Authority could be challenged if it is exercised unreasonably or unethically.

By the way, I am glad Sister Gertrude never took off her habit. I had to go to the  convent once to deliver something to her for my mother.  There was sister Gertrude with curlers in her hair and a  house dress. I am still scarred by that image.  Thank the Lord for habits and nun clothes!

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Fill Me

By: JP Leddy

Smiles and words touch me 

As they drift in and out of my heart

From many who woo me for minutes 

Or for hours for flesh and for warmth

Aware I am of these liaisons as I enjoy

Them for simply what they be to me

Moments to remove the aloneness 

To have connection and human centeredness

My heart still searches for a glimpse of him

That one that will take it and fill me with

Life, love and his being  and his smiles

His warmth will be my joy for all days

Until my breath gives way and my spirit 

Is freed to the universe forever more

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This past week has been an exercise in pure happiness for me.  It has been one in which I have been at complete peace with myself and consequently, that inner confidence has reflected out in my demeanor.  Like a friend told me last night, “Your face reflects your mood and state of being so well , JP.  You look happy.”

One of the side effects has been on my personal life and being out with my friends. I live in the Castro District of San Francisco.  It is my neighborhood and for a gay man it is its own world. It is filled with bars, restaurants, coffee shops, and other assorted eclectic businesses that may turn the eye of the more conservative visitor, but it is definitely ground zero for all things “gay.”

My friends and I have nicknamed the Castro “Oz”  because of the range of adventures that we have had in this place over the rainbow  for many years now.

Well, this past week has been no different for me.   I have been really enjoying my friends and having some fun times. I have also met some fun guys and also found myself in some interesting situations.  Yes, you find yourself getting the random ass and crotch grab.  Then there are times when the drinks are a-flowing and there is a little more hugging, and then before you know it, you are kissing some guy from Ireland. I think his name was Patrick.

After one especially fun night , as is sometimes the ritual with my friends , I stopped by the landmark 24 hour diner, Orphan Andy’s, to get something to eat.   Yes, this place where “Everyone Knows Your Shame.”

Since I was solo this time, I sat up on the counter. I watched the battled worn wait staff handled the orders of all their drunken customers. I am sure they just roll their eyes thinking about when their shifts will be done.  The graveyard shift is typically cute so I always find them a nice distraction.

I sat between two especially handsome men.  The one to the right of me was Hispanic and young.  He had ordered banana pancakes with chocolate chips. He kept asking me if I wanted to taste some,  ” Come on, Papi,  Is Good. Have Sum.”    I almost indulged. I was hungry and he was so cute.  However, I was distracted by the  hand of the guy on my left on my leg.

Now he was an attractive blondish man with green eyes with a good wink.  When my order of an Ortega Burger and  Fries came, he kept looking at my plate.  I picked up a fry and fed him one.   Well, then I did another.   So, I repeated it a few times until his order  of  a Rueben sandwich came.

He continued to rub my leg and then massaged my back  while I ate my  Ortega burger.  He was a good multi-tasker.  The Hispanic guy asked me how long the two us had been boyfriends. I told him since the meal began.  He said, ”  You are  funny, Papi.”

Well, I was about to take the last bite of my burger ( which by the way, was really good),  then Daniel ( the guy to my left)  started kissing my neck.  Well, I did not know what to do.  Admittedly, I  kind of liked it.   Maybe it was the combination of the Ortega Burger.  Who knows?

The Hispanic guy left by then.

Well, the necking went on for a bit.  We finally paid our checks.  Daniel and I walked out of  Orphan Andy’s.  We walked towards Market Street.  I looked at his face as he drew me closer to him.  He wanted me to take it further that night.  I flagged down a Taxi.  I put him in it.

The necking was fun.  Picking up up a trick at Orphan Andy’s over an Ortega Burger…well…not that night…and I hope never.

I love my life.

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I was thinking how that  saying “taking things one step at a time” is even more important to me now.   I have found that anytime I feel rushed in anything I am involved in , whether it be my business or personal life,  I revolt in some way. It may be silent and it may smolder for a while , but it eventually reveals itself.

I have learned and I am continuing to  learn to be more forthcoming and less accommodating in this area, because it is such a core part of relationship building and honesty.  In my personal life, I have been in a couple of long term significant relationships, so it is not reasonable to note that I will not jump into another one quite so easily.  There is something about time and the connecting of moments and experiences that eventually develop into a mature and loving relationship.

I have found that it truly takes my heart time to progress from the euphoria for early attraction and romantic love  to the fuller and passionate love that lasts longer.  You can’t put a ring on it until the heart is filled.

Perhaps it is life’s experiences that has be the tutor to my heart in all this or simply my personality.   It is more likely a combination of both.   I just know that I am at a better place internally than I ever have been before.  I also know that I can be patient for a love to to be found and to grow to where it needs to be where a life long relationship is possible.

I also know that with the right person love happens and grows. Then there is commitment  and to me, the kind of happiness I know I want.

In the meanwhile, I am enjoying the journey.

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As we celebrate the Chinese New Year today – The Year of the Dragon, I came across a site where it explained what the year meant for others born on other animal sign years.  For me, who was born in a year of the Rat, it is supposed to be a year of romance and profit.  Well, that wouldn’t be bad.

I am a little skeptical about the romance part.  I am somewhat battle worn from the past few years.  Hey, but maybe a dragon can help a rat out.  I know there will be some people who would read that last sentence and laugh extra harder. Bitches.

What is nice about having the optimism of the Chinese New Year is the expectation and directional mind set one can put focus on that is supported by something larger in the Universe.  The dragon symbolizes it.

Things don’t come easily for the most part and certainly lofty goals or states of existence of happiness can only be sustained if we are only driven by greater vision.

We should always have days where firecrackers celebrate both the start and end of our days, marking each part of our journey of the year.

So as I enjoy the celebrations in San Francisco, even this rainy day ( especially after the Niner loss to the Giants yesterday), I can only raise my glass and exclaim,

“Gung hay fat choy!”

This Rat is getting some Dragon Luck.

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L-R Joyful Noise Cast Jeremy Jordan, Keke Palmer, Dolly Parton, Queen Latifah

Yes, it is a feel good movie.  Yes, the plot has no real surprise.  However, Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton are magic up on the  big screen.  The return of Parton to film is especially nice since she simply lights everything up with her charm, sense of humor and winning country sounding voice.

The comedic team she and Latifah make is great. I like to see them do other projects together.

The story follows the story of a church choir from a hard economically hit small Georgia town and their quest to win the National Choir competition in Los Angeles.  Their choir director suddenly passes away.  Latifah’s character takes over while the choir director’ widow ( Parton) spars with her throughout the movie over the choir’s direction and other things.  There is young love and other sub plots.

There is also lots of rocked out gospel singing which keeps you moving in your seat.

The movie may not win an Academy award but it is certainly has a lot of heart.  One that would leave you feeling a lot more “joyful” and glad that you spent a few dollars to be entertained by Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah.

2012 started not exactly how I expected. I am still adjusting to its thunderous entrance that I set in motion in my personal life. The best way to describe the way it feels sometimes is like a tumble.  At first, the direction was not clear because my vision was impaired wet with tears.  However, that has stopped and now the tumble has turned into the rumble of a locomotive moving forward.  I just am working to make sure it slows down to a manageable pace.

What happens when the picture you thought you were painting for your life completely changes? You pick up a blank canvas and paint a new one.

As I look back,  I can see where the  cause of the tumble was bound to happen.  Oprah calls them whispers.   These are those thoughts or silent voices you hear over time in your head and your heart that call out to you to make a change or changes in your life.  Sometimes you ignore them, and if you do, they turn into shouts and thunderous screams until you pay attention.

I have had these occurrences happen over my life. Sometimes the change came with the encouragement of whispers and others came after the thunder.  In this most recent incident, they were something inbetween.

Everything might look right and in many ways feel right, but there are elements that are not.  These elements are important enough that if you simply glide over them they will continue to fester and cause much more major damage later because they slowly deteriorate everything else that is good.

I have learned to never ignore the whispers.  I am hoping better to recognize them and to listen to them.

The challenge now is to move wisely forward and to work on myself.   These take time and my heart is not ready yet for anything heavy. I want my sabbatical where I can deep down to quench my thirst to fill my emotional reservoirs so love may be mine to give fully and completely again.

It will be a time when the tumbling will stop.

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Well,   There are not many science fiction movies that I see that I come away feeling that the movie is laughable ( yes, my tolerance level is pretty high when it comes to sci fi) .  However,  The Darkest Hour is pretty dumb.  The premise has been seen before in one way or another when a menace from space attacks our planet and the end of all life is at stake.  This one is  invisible.  Well, almost.

This movie had so much potential. I mean the international setting in Moscow.  The idea of complete isolation against a formidable unseen force in an unfamiliar country had the premise of greatness.  What we were left with was a cartoon movie and a pretty poor one at that too.  A Scooby Doo episode is more entertaining.

What you find yourself doing is rolling your eyes and laughing at places you should not be responding like that in the movie.  You kind of felt if earth were destroyed , who cares?

There were some cool special effects and even one or two startle moments but not enough to carry a sorry script.  I think some of the actors were acting beneath their range.  I really could not tell because the script and plot overwhelmed all of them.

So if you want to get more entertainment from the popcorn you are eating,  see The Dumbest Hour…I mean The Darkest Hour.

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Well,   Can we say, “THANK GAWD IT IS FRIDAY!”  but, moreover,   it is the last f***ing  Friday of 2011!   How awesome is that! ( to quote some of my clean cut Utah bred friends!)   New Year‘s Eve falls on a Saturday so this is going to be one celebration weekend!  That means some of my friends will not even know their own names this weekend.  Some of them may not even know who they wake up to the next day!  You know who you are!

Here in San Francisco, one of the biggest , but maybe not so much anymore, secrets is that the gay bars in the Castro make the strongest drinks in the city for often the cheapest prices.  Most days, happy hours go up to 9 p.m. or even 1o p.m. at nights.   If you are straight and have the balls to hang out with the gays, you really can get your drinks on.  We gays won’t bite , unless you let us, of course.

Also,  Friday festivities already start in the morning here in San Francisco, especially on the last Friday of the year.  There are tons of out of towners roaming the streets trying to get to Chinatown or Bubba Gumps on Fisherman Wharf.   The locals that are still in the city have already set up enough networking events to do pre-New Year warm ups.   Just another excuse to drink.

The homeless guys and gals are wearing Santa hats conjoling you with “Ho! Ho! Ho!”  and   “Bless You!”  for that extra buck to help them get that next bubbly beverage.

MUNI , the underground subway train, is still not running on time.  However, they will run free of charge from 8 p.m. to 6 a.m. on New Year’s Eve  so you won’t need to drive.  You just need to be sober enough to find the MUNI station and make sure you don’t fall unto the tracks.

Tonight and through the weekend there will be dance parties going on at the hottest clubs and even fundraisers at some of them for charities.  Hey ,  if you are drunk already, you would give an extra dollar or two for a jello shot to support PETA!

Most people will have Monday off so that is what is awesome about this Final Friday of the year is that we will have another 3 day weekend!!

So TGIF!!!!!! for the final Friday in 2011! Eat, Drink and be Merry for next Friday we will do it again in 2012!

I know this is supposed to be a time of deep reflection and an evaluation of one’s life this last year and perhaps a resolve of things to be done next year.  I am not feeling it.  Well, I guess I am not feeling it in the traditional sense.

Last year was chaotic in some ways with unexpected turns for me mostly in my personal life.  In my professional and community life, it was a stellar year and that momentum continues.  In my personal life, I have been going through some grounding.  It is like I have been on this trip with Pinocchio and the Lost Boys, (or is that Peter Pan?) since my break up of a couple of years ago.  I have been on some wild adventures and have lost myself in all of it.

Now I have felt the slow return to my former self, a little more wiser but definitely changed.  I am still peeling off the skins of Neverland and planting myself back into the reality of life that I want back with all its wonderful normalcy and routine.

Love has found me.  However, I have done a careful dance with it.  This is to mainly protect my heart. However,  the ice is melting and my heart is falling into the warmth of all of it and I am feeling happiness.  I feel peace.

So Neverland is becoming less and less appealing to me.  It’s pull weakens and like other fairy tale places will soon vanish into books of memories on the heavy shelf to be taken out to be enjoyed for the occasional visit .

So as I look back at 2011, most of everything I am leaving there.  Those experiences are simply there to be cherished for bringing me to where I am now. However, I do not need to carry them with me.

I will make goals for 2012 but they will now include a whole new life of possibilities I never would have imagined, that requires me only to look forward and never to look back.

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